Wednesday, February 23, 2011

DMs Say the Darndest Things

"Sit down here." I patted the chair across from mine, a clipboard and pencil in my lap.

My son eyed me suspiciously and sat down.  I began writing on the clipboard with it tilted away from him.  I had come up with some awesome Middle English based names for my Labyrinth Lord campaign.  I just wanted to run them by my son to make sure they sounded okay.

"Why are you hiding that piece of paper?"

The boy is always to the point.  "I want to see what you think of a some words.  They are names for places that I've made up, and I want to see what you think.  I'll read them out loud."

"Oh. Okay."

"Great.  The first one is Aloftgres."

He tilted his head and made a 'thinking' face.  "Interesting," he said as he taped his lip.

Great.  He's posing and I don't even have a camera out.

"The second one is Duskenfaunt."

"Sound like something you do while on the toilet."

That one took me aback.  Duskenfaunt was a fine name.  A really good name.  What did that even mean - something you do on the toilet?  How dare he insult my word.

"What are you writing on the paper?"  he asked.

"I'm writing what you said."


"Because I care what you think,"  chuckling at myself and my word vanity.

"Oh," he smiled.

"Dweryen Doun."

He thought for a moment.  "Cool."


"Sounds like an insult for lazy people."

I'm not sure how long I kept my mouth open.  "Um, okay.  Yeah, I guess so.  Interesting.  The next is Nyrvylrem"

He laughed.  "Nervilrim . . . it's funny."




"That's weird"



I raised an eyebrow, just like Spock.  Well, just like Spock in my mind.  My eyebrows don't do that willingly.  He wasn't smiling.  It was a complete and utter diss of the word.  Wow.


"Bless you,"

Okay, so he's a smart-ass, just like me.

"Lefdikuss."  The minute the word left my mouth, I realized I had made a horrible, horrible mistake.

"Are there two? Is there a right one?  Left?  Dick?  Left?  Dick?  Huh?  Huh?" he guffawed.

Oh dear god.  I can't believe it.  I even put this up on the blog.  I blame you people.  I had no idea.  You should have warned me.  You saw it.  You knew.  You set me up.  On purpose!

I suddenly realized I was in a Monty Python skit.  After he calmed down, we moved on.




He chuckled.  "That's funny.  Rotten."


"Sounds like an epically failing ham."

"Flumrys Brig."

He smiled, "Sounds like the name of a ship."


"Sounds like a goblin giving a tour.  Or!  Or a tour inside of a filthy goblin!"

I tried to wipe the image of goblin intestines from my mind.  "Kyndrecchen"

"Interesting," he nodded.

There was one last name.  All I can say is, never say this word in front of my son.  Ever.


I mean it.  I have witnesses who will concur.

You have been warned.

- Ark


  1. Did you try saying these out loud to yourself first?!? Your kids reactions were great though, really spot on. Thank you for sharing them.

  2. Ha! I loved this, thanks :)

    And yeah, I let the Biggus Dickus one slide just for this reason.

    I still think a lot of them are great names though :)

  3. I must admit, I had a similar reaction to some of those when I read the list. We were supposed to warn you first?

    Personally, I do pronounce my made-up names several times beforehand and consider how people with a love for joking about anything and everything might perceive them. Some still get through, but I do weed out the most obvious. It's something every DM should get a feel for to avoid problems later.

  4. I'd like to preface this by saying that every single on of these names looked good me on paper and sounded good in my head. Honestly! :)

    @David - er, well no. Out loud in my head, yes. It's evidently a special place where things sound much better than they actually are.

    @migellito - It' didn't sound that way it my head! Honest. Probably because I was saying it as Lefdi-Kuss in my head. The second I really said it, though, it was LEFT-DICK-US.

    @Anon - Well, honestly I don't think I asked. But if I knew a guy was about to go into a Kindergarten class and read a book called 'The Adventures of Captain Poo-Poo Snot and his Sidekick, Pee-Pee Fart, I might warn him that he was heading toward impending doom. ;)

    @Whisk - Well, yes, of course - OUT LOUD. :)

    - Ark