Tuesday, August 16, 2011

Halfling Battering Ram

When I was 10, I build Grond out of LEGOs.
A lot of things happened in our last Labyrinth Lord session,  but I would be remiss if I neglected to mention this odd little incident.

In the Invisible Mountain dungeon, The Boy found a little bone Cube of Force.  This was completely random.  I read the item description and thought 'Oh crap, I've just ruined the game with stupid randomity.'  The original AD&D Cube of Force had some drawbacks - which the LL Cube nullifies.   It basically creates a movable 10' foot cube of nigh-invulnerability for 60 minutes each day.

I shrugged and let it be.  The Percentile Oracle had spoken.

So, they left the dungeon, conquered a dragon (completely forgetting they had any magic items at all,) and made their way to the town of Barton Hill.  They were hoping that Barton Hill had not pledged allegiance to the growing army of dragons infesting the Wild Lands.

"Halt, in the name of the Great Dragon King Abaraxis.  State your names and your business!" was the guards' answer to their unspoken question as they stood outside the town gate.

"I am Imbroglio, and we have just slain a dragon.  We are your liberators.  Let us in!" the little elf with the high charisma said.  Regretfully, Imbroglio was well known throughout the Wild Lands as being the worshipper of a god that doesn't actually exists, and being one of the most prolific and unabashed liars on the entire continent.

"We have heard of you, Imbroglio.  Archers . . . kill them," the captain said.  Twenty-nine archers appeared on the town wall.

"Dammit!  Run!" yelled Imbroglio.

"Wait!  Get close to me!" said The Boy's halfing thief, Ferrit.  He took out the cube of force and activated it.

Arrows rained down on them, bouncing off the invisible cube of force.  The party cheered.

"We just came out of the woods.  Can we make a battering ram?" Imbroglio player asked.

"Well . . ." I chewed my lip.  "I think that armies make battering rams before they lay siege to a city.  You can start chopping down a tree, I guess."

"Wait," Imbroglio's player said, "I have a better idea.  Let's all go up to the gate.  The force walls center on the cube in Ferrit's hand, right?"

I nodded.

"Okay, so when we get up to the gate, we pick Ferrit up and use him as a battering ram and smash down the door."

"No!" The Boy howled.  "You'll crush my head and kill me!"

I tried not to laugh as I looked at my son.  "Ferrit will be alright.  The cube of force will act like a shield."

"Oh.  I still don't like it," the boy huffed.

So, my friends used my son as a battering ram.

The guards on the wall were having none of this, and began throwing whatever they had down on the party.  Dirt, rocks, and hot tar created a layer of floating asphalt above the PCs heads.  But finally, they smashed the door down.

"What a minute," the cleric said.  "Why are we invading this town?"

This began a heated argument about burning down the town, or just a part of it.  In the end, the party ran the guards off the battlements and set fire to the town hall.  They booked it out of the place just before the charges ran out on the cube.

There was still the asphalt roof to deal with.  The party helped Ferrit chunk the cube, and it's strange roof, as far away as they could.  With a smash, the asphalt collapsed onto the little bone cube.

I picked up a die and rolled a saving throw.

"Oops," I smiled. "The asphalt shatters the cube."


The dice giveth, and the dice taketh away.

- Ark


  1. Funny stuff, although the loss of the cube is a bummer.

  2. That last line'd make a great bumper sticker or coffee mug to sell at cons. :)

  3. This seriously is in need of analysis by a shrink or something, there has to be some serious issues of friends using your son as a battering ram.

    Hilarious though!

    +Bard Indeed!

  4. As Gunny Highway famously said, "You adapt. You overcome. You improvise. Let's move".

  5. @Zanazaz - It was funny - a bit later, the party decided it was best that they did loose the cube, because they thought it made for a better story.

    @Bard - Yanno, I googled it just out of curiosity - and it's been used a gagillion times. So much for originality. :)

    @matt - No! If I sent my players to the shrink - I'd loose my entire party! Forever!

    @John - Why am I suddenly hungry for a hamburger all of a sudden? :)

    - Ark