Friday, October 7, 2011

Death by Slow Monty Python Skit

I actually drew this one! 
So yesterday PureStrainHuman ran us through a game of Kobolds Ate My Baby.  PSH is an obsessive psychopath who went out and bought every supplement ever for KAMB ever made, and we played with I think every single house rule for the game every invented, so not only were we forced to roll on the Kobold Horrible Death Chart for not properly praising King Torg (All Hail King Torg!,) but we also had the same fate if we went around quoting Monty Python.

We started the game doing some sort of Battle Royale in another dimension.  This is basically what I used to call Mock Combat, done before an adventure so players could get a feel for a new game or new abilities gained by their characters.  The winner of the battle would get a 'Get Out of Hell Free Card.'

KAMB has an interesting mechanic.  To do something, you roll a wad of d6's.  The more difficult the thing, the more dice you roll, and you are trying to get a value equal to, or below, your target number, which is usually your attribute value.  Pretty simple to do.  I mean, to figure out what to roll.  Not so simple to actually succeed.   And if you fail to succeed, you have to go and roll for some potential death via the Kobold Horrible Death Chart.

Interestingly, my character Schmeky Encephalitis won the combat.  This was only because everyone else failed so badly at attempts to hurt each other that they all died in surprising and horrible ways on the Kobold Horrible Death Chart.

So, back to 'reality' for the little kobolds.  Schmeky got a dead rat and a bottle of beer and a huge shield for equipment.  The shield took two hands to use, and Schmeky didn't have any pockets, so he ate his dead rat, drank his beer, grabbed his shield, and was ready to go purloin a human baby from the village.  The other kobolds got things of equal worthlessness, except Lex - who got a magic spell book.

So, we approached the human village.  The Boy, playing 'Roast Beef Sandwich' the kobold, saw some teenagers and started yelling at them.  He was very proud that he knew 8 human words, and wanted to show off.  I felt this was a bad plan, so before Roast Beef could say much of anything, I tossed him in the river.  You know, to shut him up.

That's when the ravenous 'Acti-Fish' attacked.  They were environmentally aware fish that were very angry about the pollution levels in the river.  Yeah . . .  It went all downhill from there.

So, in the ensuing combat with the fish, the teenagers, a vigilante chicken, a tavern owner, and a Slushy machine - everyone except Schmeky died.  No one was actually killed by anything . . . per se.  All death were directly attributable to the Kobold Horrible Death Chart.

So Schemky was fighting a dog.  He failed to hit, and so had to roll vs. the evil death chart - but didn't die.  I was quite happy, eager to see Schemy live through an entire game.

After I made an amazingly low roll, Mervin smiled and said 'Wow, he's not dead yet."

I piped up in a squeaky, high pitched English accent, "I'm not de . . ."

Crap.  I bit my tongue and looked around the table with shifty eyes, trying to see if anyone noticed.

PureStrainHuman pointed a finger at me.  BUSTED!

I can't help it!  Like Pavlov's dogs, I have been trained over the last 40 years to quote lines of Monty Python skits any chance I get.  I can't help it!  It's genetic - woven deeply into the strands of my DNA for godsake!

I rolled.  Schmeky died.  Schmeky died by slow Monty Python Skit.  A black knight hopped out of a bush  carrying a death bunny and spanked Schmeky to death.  It wasn't even a cute virgin girl spanking either.

SIGH!  Well, we had to wrap it up there.  It was a blast - even if Schemky had to be sacrificed.

But last night, just as I finished coloring the image above, The Boy wandered out of his bedroom - where he was supposed to be asleep.

"What?" I grumbled at him.

"You know Dad, I was thinking."

"You shouldn't be thinking.  You should be sleeping."

He was unfazed by the comment he's heard a billion times before.  "Well Dad, you know Schmeky?"

I nodded.  "Uh-huh."

"Well . . . he's alive!  You have a Get Out Of Hell Free card! Remember?"



- Ark


  1. Vor dammit! I forgot about that! Schmecky lives again!

  2. In Hell do you have to roll on the Kobold Horrible Death Chart?

    It might be preferable...

  3. "You shouldn't be thinking. You should be sleeping."

    Nonsense. You should ALWAYS be thinking. In your sleep, if possible...

  4. @PSH - well, not for long, but at least for a while. :)

    @TheCapn' - Please don't give PSH ideas! :)

    @Von - When I think and sleep at the same time, I usually end up with my car wrapped around a telephone pole.


    - Ark