Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Torvalds vs. the Honey Badger

It's thrall good.
I suppose it was my fault.  At least it was my causative action that began the chain of destruction - but listen - I had my reasons.  We were on the trail of an entire village of zombies.  Well, now we believe they were just regular people mind controlled by illithids, but at the time all we knew was that a herd of zombies was bearing down on our home village.

This is the 2e game being run by Crazy-Ass Tim, in which I am playing the sexy elf ranger lady Chartreuse.  One of the party members is Torvalds - the most useless first level magic user in the history of all D&D ever.  Yeah, I know - a boastful boast - but it's true - and even more so as the session unfolded.

So Torvalds rides an ox.  Everywhere.  Even places where oxen do not fit.  But traipsing through the woods following zombies was a bit much for the ox this time around.  Torvalds blew his animal handling roll - and the ox bucked him off and bolted.

The zombies were headed to destroy our town.  Torvalds was about to lead us on a wild-ox chase of ridiculous proportions in the opposite direction.  The ox had Torvalds' spell book - the only thing that makes him even vaguely useful.

So I shot the fucking ox.

Regretfully, the arrow didn't kill the ox.  But as Torvalds became enraged about what I had done, Merwyn's character chased after the ox and hacked it to death.

That's when Torvalds attacked Mervyn's character.

As the two first level characters began to tussle, my character Chartreuse got sick of the whole thing, turned around, and raced after the zombie horde to rescue her village.

Meanwhile, Torvalds actually killed Merwyn's character - dead.  Surprising, yeah.  The Boy thought that such a murder was horrendous and attacked Torvalds, smashing him down below zero hit point.  The Boy has a conscious, though, and only did subdual damage.  He then left Torvalds face down on the forest floor and raced after me.

I was busy tackling zombies and slapping them awake.  The Boy didn't think to tell me that one party member was dead and another was face down unconscious in a zombie infested forest.  But the horrifying screams alerted me that something was wrong.

Torvalds' recess playmate.
Torvalds awoke to a visit from a random encounter - a playful honey badger.  Crazy-ass Tim decided that the honey badger wouldn't do hit point damage - but instead - structural damage.  So, the playful honey badger ripped Torvalds leg off.  Thus the screaming.

So we ran back to where Torvalds was and tried to fight off the honey badger.  The honey badger was, of course, tough.  It ripped off another one of Torvalds' legs.  We continued to attack, and finally took honey badger down.  But even in death, honey badger didn't give a shit and ripped off Torvalds' left arm.

We applied tourniquets, and did massive amounts of cauterization with torches, and brought Torvalds back from the brink.  It really only worked because Crazy-ass Tim is a mean bastard of a DM.  But we had rescued our useless magic-user.  Yay!

Meanwhile, our entire village was slaughtered and burned to the ground.  So, I'm thinking that Torvalds deserves his fate.  Regretfully, he is even more useless than before.  But Kaye continues to play him without a hitch - reveling in his one armed, no leggedness - and declaring himself the Sorcerer Supreme.

The Boy has taken to calling Torvalds the Burrito Supreme.

- Ark


  1. This is the single funniest session report I have ever read. Torvalds wins. My wife heard me laughing and came in to read this and laughed her way through it too.

  2. Internecine warfare, dismemberment, cauterization with torches... after all that, did anyone think to get Torvalds' spellbook off the ox's corpse?

  3. LOL -- that's some crazy stuff.

  4. Lol. That's one dysfunctional party.

  5. Truly, you have the soul of a poet and the ability to bring a tale to life that a bard would envy.

  6. @Jagtai - I'm happy to make other laugh. Even when I didn't mean to. :)

    @biopunk - Oh yes, we did. Well, when I say we - I mean the other player in the party who I didn't mention who stayed out of the whole sordid affair. Yeah, HE remembered. :)

    @Bard & Brian - Thanks, and yep!

    @Crazy-ass Tim - Well thank you, thank you. I . ... think. What's the catch? Are you going to kill off Chartruese with an army of mind flayer bards?


    - Ark