Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Tale of the Halfling Gardener
Once upon a time, there was a pudgy halfling who spent all day long tending his garden. Then one day his mule ran away. When his neighbor, the cartwright, came by for tea, he told the gardener, "I'm so sorry, That's horrible news."
"Maybe," the halfling gardener replied, puffing on his pipeweed.
The next day, the mule returned to the gardener's home, bringing three other mules in tow.
"Four mules?" the cartwright exclaimed, "You could sell some and buy a cart. How wonderful!"
"Maybe," the halfling gardener replied, puffing on his pipeweed.
The next day, the mules ate all of the gardener's radishes and carrots, then their eyes began to glow red and they turned into giant, ravenous were-mules. Crazed for blood, they squeezed into the chicken coop and ate all of the birds and eggs, then went to sleep.
"Holy crap!" the cartwright hissed from across the road, not daring to set foot near the gardener's home. "You must be cursed!"
"Maybe," the halfling gardener replied, puffing on his pipeweed.
The next day, an army of orcs tromped through town. The one-eyed leader decided to raid the gardener's property for food. When the orcs got to the chicken coop, the were-mules leap out. Orc body parts flew in all directions. The were-mules killed all the orcs, ate them, and ran off to parts unknown.
The cartwright stood staring at the gardener, jaw almost scraping the road. "Truly, you are the most lucky halfing alive!"
"Maybe," the halfling gardener replied, puffing on his pipeweed.
--
(lovingly ripped off from The Parable of Taoist Farmer.)
- Ark
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
ゴジラ・モスラ・キングギドラ
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| Gojira, Mosura, Kingu Gidora: Daikaijū Sōkōgeki |
Several years ago, there was a marathon of old Godzilla movies. I watched them, giddy as my six year old self ever was at watching giant lizards, moths, turtles, and three headed dragons beat the snot out of each other. The Boy - around six at the time - turned up his nose big time. Apparently, the monsters looked too stupid to live and he'd rather eat liver than be forced to watch.
Then tonight I stumbled on Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorah: Giant Monsters All-Out Attack. It came out in 2001, but I had never heard of it. I was struck by how much it felt like the old monster movies of my youth. This was definitely no Matthew Broderick style Godzilla, and it wasn't some stupid robot Godzilla thing (sorry Mechagodzilla fans, but I didn't like that movie at all.) There were dudes in rubber suits, rinky-dink models of helicopters and destroyers, bad explosions, clearly out of scale flames coming from monsters and buildings, tons of senseless violence and death of innocent by-standers, and Godzilla was THE BAD GUY. In short - it was glorious.
And what's more, the Boy whooped and hollered and cheered as the monsters battled it out as if he had been a pro-wrestling fan. "Smash him! Sling him around by the tail! He'll never survive that. OMG! Mothra took a direct hit! The missiles just bounce off! He's only been resurrected two times so far Dad, not three - get it straight. Mushroom cloud time! They are fighting underwater! When three heads shoot golden lighting at you, it's all over, buddy!"
There is some attempt at a story. Apparently now Godzilla is the raging angry spirit of everyone killed by the Japanese Imperial Army during WWII. Blah blah blah. Whatever. You can safely ignore any of that babble. I mean, really, we are here to watch giant monsters destroy things and each other.
I recommend the movie wholeheartedly. Well - for the right sort of person. You know who you are.
Of course, I got to thinking during the movie and wondered 'how the hell would I handle a Godzilla like monster in a regular D&D game?' I am not shy about throwing high level monsters at low level players. But freaking Godzilla? If he decided to walk through the player's home town - well - it's more like a hurricane that an encounter. At most the party could piss him off - if he noticed at all.
I don't have any answers for that question - but I'd like to figure something out. When the players end up shipwrecked on the Island of Irradiated Giant Monsters during sparring season, I need to have a plan. :)
- Ark
Monday, July 4, 2011
Vornheim Type IV
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| With apologies to Zak |
"Yes," I nodded, remembering that and several blog entries that I had written revolving around the concept.
"I've been thinking," the Boy started.
Uh oh.
"You know, I started with Fourth Edition, and that's my home," he looked at me. "I want to go home."
Oh crap. Done in by my own figure of speech.
Busted.
The Boy has put up with my OSR shenanigans for half a year now. He followed me down Nostalgia Lane and even gave Jim Ward and Frank Mentzer a run for their money. He has more than earned the right to play what he wants.
"Okay, okay, I get it," I chuckled. "Let's play some 4e."
But how? I thought about the various RPGA and Encounters stuff from WOTC - but that style of play epitomizes the worst of what 4e has to offer. I looked at several gaming groups - but so many of them are switching to Pathfinder these days. I thought I had someone to DM - but come to find out he'd much rather play. So looks like I'm going to have to bite the bullet and RUN 4E AGAIN.
After meditating on the subject for some time, I think I can deal with it. But this time it's going to be different. I'm going Old School. Screw balanced encounters. To hell with the fully portioned level appropriate treasure parcels. And skill challenges? Those were lame anyway. They get tossed out on the side of the road. I'll keep the mechanics that the boy likes, but I'm not doing boring or stupid crap to 'complete the harmonic 4E balance in flux.'
And I'm going to run Vornheim.
I read Vornheim during my vacation and was amazed. Zak's really got something great here. I'd say award-winning. My initial thought was to use it verbatim - but I'm rethinking that. I think I'll teleport Vornheim to a post-apocalyptic Earth half a million years in the future - Dying Earth-ish. I don't like cold, so rather than frigid, I'll put it on the the Texas Coast. That ought to do the trick. A few tweaks here and there and I'll be done.
That still leaves all of the battle mats and minis. I got a box load of little monster pogs with the Monster Vault. I'd like to use them, but I guess that the players are going to want to use their minis. The Boy certainly will. And fighting a cardboard pog with a gloriously painted metal mini might seem a bit lame. Oh well, something to think about.
If anyone has any thoughts on making 4e palatable - without changing the basic mechanics - let me know. The Boy's birthday is coming up, and I'd like to have it all ironed out before then. :)
- Ark
Sunday, July 3, 2011
Dicey Landscapes
I'm back from my coastal vacation. It was very refreshing, and aside from the hardcore sunburn I idiotically gave myself, very pleasant. The mental recharge was nice, and I was surprised at how much drawing I did. I drew seaweed and dunes and waves and clouds and marshes and pelicans and seagulls and tankers filling up at oil platforms and tugs pushing barges filled with stacks of giant wind-farm propellers down the Inter-coastal waterway and bikini clad women drinking beer.
Strangely enough, I drew them all in circles.
In my teen age years, I kept a journal, and I'd start each writing session by drawing a mandala. It's a kind of abstract art and meditative practice, in the form of a circle, in the Hindu and Buddhist traditions. After a while, I wandered away from the abstractness and started just sketching whatever came to mind inside of a circle.
It's been years since I did drew that way, and I'm glad I rediscovered the technique. It's very meditative. Something about tracing out a circle and filling it with what I see is very fulfilling. I'm not sure why filling up a rectangle isn't as enjoyable.
I also sat down and drew out some images for Jovial Priest's Old School Adventure Guide. I drew them it the same fashion - in a circle - but from my mind's eye. I just finished splashing some color on them, and here they are.
So hey, JP, here you go! I'm not sure if this was what you were looking for, but here they are. :) Thanks for the inspiration.
- Ark
Strangely enough, I drew them all in circles.
In my teen age years, I kept a journal, and I'd start each writing session by drawing a mandala. It's a kind of abstract art and meditative practice, in the form of a circle, in the Hindu and Buddhist traditions. After a while, I wandered away from the abstractness and started just sketching whatever came to mind inside of a circle.
It's been years since I did drew that way, and I'm glad I rediscovered the technique. It's very meditative. Something about tracing out a circle and filling it with what I see is very fulfilling. I'm not sure why filling up a rectangle isn't as enjoyable.
I also sat down and drew out some images for Jovial Priest's Old School Adventure Guide. I drew them it the same fashion - in a circle - but from my mind's eye. I just finished splashing some color on them, and here they are.
![]() |
| Click to see the little stuff |
So hey, JP, here you go! I'm not sure if this was what you were looking for, but here they are. :) Thanks for the inspiration.
- Ark
Thursday, June 30, 2011
Dungeonspiration: Vacation
I like my vacations slow, and it gives me a lot of time to just sit back and look at whatever is in front of me. I developed an entire campaign world just staring at cliffs overlooking a lake. This time it is the sea. If the above video doesn't inspire you to assault your players with undead pirates, salt-kraken, eldritch sea dragons, buxom mermaids in the surf, and ancient bubble-cities rising up out of the waves, I don't know what will. It's all there. You just aren't squinting hard enough.
- Ark (Somewhere on the Texas coast)
Thursday, June 23, 2011
Dungeonspiration: The Golden Ass
The Golden Ass is a fantasy novel about a man who is fascinated by magic. His fascination leads him to attempt to cast a spell without knowing what he is doing - and the rest of the book deals with the humorous and horrifying repercussions.
Oh, did I mention that the novel is one thousand eight hundred and fifty years old?
Metamorphoses, or The Golden Ass, is the only Latin novel to have survived to the modern age with all of it's pieces intact. Echos of its substance and structure are clearly evident in A Midsummer Night's Dream and The Adventures of Pinocchio. The book inspired works by Franz Kafka and C. S. Lewis. Some even trace it's picaresque style forward to Jack Vance's Dying Earth series, Fritz Leiber's Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser, James H. Schmitz's The Witches of Karres and L. Sprague de Camp's Novarian series.
Most of you probably have heard of it. A few of you might have even read it. Why not more?
Well, for one, it's an old ass book (pun not intended.) People tend to equate old with dusty and boring. Two, the novel can be Naughty. Yeah, I capitalized the N. Such books don't get spoken about in polite society.
What I find fascinating about The Golden Ass is that the novel provides a glimpse into an ancient world that has not been radically transformed by Christianity. The setting is second century Greece. Early Christians were living in the area, to be sure, but it would be a century or two before major political and religious shifts would occur.
While what The Golden Ass shows is a fiction, it is based in truth, at least from a cultural perspective. We see the descendants of the Roman conquerors of Greece living the good life - to excess. We see the destitute native population living in deplorable conditions. Strange religions and cults compete for attention and believers. Slavery in a natural part of the landscape. Outside of towns, bandits run rampant and there is no apparent source of law. Even inside of towns, nighttime is as dangerous as a war-zone. Law and justice seem to be meted out more by angry mobs than by any official enforcement agency.
This world really screams for a band of heroes. Even the main character is not very heroic at all. He's just a poor sap swept up in the chaos.
If you are looking to get away from a 'Medieval American' viewpoint, The Golden Ass is a wonderful reference. It answers so many questions, big and small. What do the rich and poor think of each other? How do people view magic? What do they think of the witch who lives down at the end of the lane? When is the right time to kill an accused criminal? Is there really any difference between 'accused' and 'guilty' to a mob? What do people do for fun? What do people think about being 'something to do for fun.' How do bandits live? Do rural Greek peasants live in multi-storied houses? What does an old lady keep under her mattress?
And so on, and so on. :)
There are various translation of the Golden Ass on the net. Most freely available are the musty 18th century type. I would really recommend going and getting a newer one - the Penguin Classics version, published in 1998 and translated by E. J. Kennedy. It's a good read.
So go forth and read old shit and get inspired!
- Ark
Oh, did I mention that the novel is one thousand eight hundred and fifty years old?
Metamorphoses, or The Golden Ass, is the only Latin novel to have survived to the modern age with all of it's pieces intact. Echos of its substance and structure are clearly evident in A Midsummer Night's Dream and The Adventures of Pinocchio. The book inspired works by Franz Kafka and C. S. Lewis. Some even trace it's picaresque style forward to Jack Vance's Dying Earth series, Fritz Leiber's Fafhrd and the Gray Mouser, James H. Schmitz's The Witches of Karres and L. Sprague de Camp's Novarian series.
Most of you probably have heard of it. A few of you might have even read it. Why not more?
Well, for one, it's an old ass book (pun not intended.) People tend to equate old with dusty and boring. Two, the novel can be Naughty. Yeah, I capitalized the N. Such books don't get spoken about in polite society.
What I find fascinating about The Golden Ass is that the novel provides a glimpse into an ancient world that has not been radically transformed by Christianity. The setting is second century Greece. Early Christians were living in the area, to be sure, but it would be a century or two before major political and religious shifts would occur.
While what The Golden Ass shows is a fiction, it is based in truth, at least from a cultural perspective. We see the descendants of the Roman conquerors of Greece living the good life - to excess. We see the destitute native population living in deplorable conditions. Strange religions and cults compete for attention and believers. Slavery in a natural part of the landscape. Outside of towns, bandits run rampant and there is no apparent source of law. Even inside of towns, nighttime is as dangerous as a war-zone. Law and justice seem to be meted out more by angry mobs than by any official enforcement agency.
This world really screams for a band of heroes. Even the main character is not very heroic at all. He's just a poor sap swept up in the chaos.
If you are looking to get away from a 'Medieval American' viewpoint, The Golden Ass is a wonderful reference. It answers so many questions, big and small. What do the rich and poor think of each other? How do people view magic? What do they think of the witch who lives down at the end of the lane? When is the right time to kill an accused criminal? Is there really any difference between 'accused' and 'guilty' to a mob? What do people do for fun? What do people think about being 'something to do for fun.' How do bandits live? Do rural Greek peasants live in multi-storied houses? What does an old lady keep under her mattress?
And so on, and so on. :)
There are various translation of the Golden Ass on the net. Most freely available are the musty 18th century type. I would really recommend going and getting a newer one - the Penguin Classics version, published in 1998 and translated by E. J. Kennedy. It's a good read.
So go forth and read old shit and get inspired!
- Ark
Friday, June 17, 2011
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